Madeline’s Unassisted Birthfeatured
I found out I was pregnant 3 days after I moved in with my partner in Arroyo Hondo, which also happened to be the same week that quarantine began- early March, 2020. I had had a miscarriage on Christmas, a little over two months prior, and this experience certainly informed my early pregnancy doubt and denial. These were unplanned pregnancies, but the trippy bliss definitely told me something magical was happening… I had a sense that this was the same little being as the first pregnancy, trying to come through once again.
My denial lead me to consult my trusted astrologer who ensured me that this was all part of the design my ancestors had planned for- a baby in this seemingly unstable time of my life was inevitably going to assist me in the process of burning lots of karma I’d brought with me into this life. So, as I often do things that I can accept as necessary or important, I decided to dive right in and become a MOTHER.
I loved being pregnant. I immediately quit my years-long stint with vegetarianism and nourished up mine and baby’s bodies with as much butter, cheese, broths, and meats that I desired. Curating a special pregnancy tea infusion (that I would religiously drink a quart of everyday) was a fun project. I had a more disciplined and regular asana, pranayama, meditation practice than I’ve ever had (prenatal yoga was very inviting), did daily body oiling, and fell deeper in love with my man, my baby, my body, and the land of Northern New Mexico.
During pregnancy, I felt more vital, fresh, and clear than I ever had. I attribute that to taking care of my self with seemingly selfless motivations. I felt like I was finally growing up, not needing external influences or substances to help me find the magic in this world. I began deeper studies and practices of herb foraging and medicine making, and found a new passion in caring for mothers and babies.
Before I even got pregnant, I thought it would be incredible to have an unassisted birth. It just felt right for me to avoid the hospital setting, as I choose not to interface with that institution anyways. My partner was pretty immediately supportive of this decision, which I owe much of the credit of my success to. Without him and his sincere support throughout the pregnancy and birth, things likely wouldn’t have gone as smoothly and easeful.
At about 20 weeks pregnant, my partner and I had a deep discussion revealing any and all fears we held surrounding having a completely unassisted pregnancy and birth. This discussion ultimately lead us to consulting come local midwives who were genuinely intentioned and held a trusting and hands-off approach to birth. For the second half of the pregnancy, we saw them periodically for check-ins that involved little-to-no examinations and some sweet words of encouragement and love. It felt good to have this support. We also attended a series of birth classes in the weeks leading up to the birth which were the ultimate catalyst to help my partner feel confident in our capacity to do this ourselves. I received no scans during this pregnancy, and we KNEW this was a baby boy growing inside of me.
Our calculated due date was November 1st, the day of the full moon. On that Halloween, we went on our daily hike and I made sure to make it a vigorous one! We were so ready to have this baby out here with us. The due date came and went, all the while the midwives insisted babe was likely to be 5 days or a week later at least, since this was my first baby. For some reason, each day that passed without signs of labor was a deeply emotional challenge for me. I felt like something was wrong and the hours were dragging by.
The day came that we were beyond ready and remembered a tip for gentle “induction” from one of the midwives: have sex three times in 24 hours! The magical prostaglandins from my partner would surely assist in ripening the cervix and signaling baby to begin his emergence!!!
We had sex two times on the evening of November 8th, then got ready for our regular bedtime of 10 pm. As soon as the lights went out, my partner was fast asleep and new things were certainly beginning to happen in my uterus! Until about 2 am, I was back and forth between bed and the bathroom, evacuating every bit of substance in my bowels. Contractions were certainly happening, excitement building, and all I could do was breathe in the dark comfort of my warm bed and stay present.
My partner awoke as I climbed back into bed after another trip to the toilet, to me shivering and shaking. He asked how I was doing and I couldn’t contain the excitement any longer! It all became real in that moment! BABY IS COMING!
He jumped out of bed and prepared the home for a birth, laying a path of chucks pads from the bed to the bathroom, carrying me to a comfy spot on the floor, and laying a shower curtain over the made bed. He started the first postpartum meal in the instant pot, made a big pot of Ayurvedic labor/postpartum tea, and started to rub my body and back with oil.
All the while, I’m on my journey through the fire. I was being completely obliterated and wrung out. No sense of time, space, identity, reality. All I could do was continuously ask my body to open and surrender. Anywhere that I noticed any bit of tension in my body, I told that area to release. I opened my throat and moaned low with the rushes and had visions of the Tibetan monks who sacrifice themselves to the fire for humanity’s sake.
Just as I was ready to give up and attempt sleep, my partner suggested to listen to my body for signs of pushing. At that moment, I felt my lower body push downward. I ran to the toilet, wanting to be somewhere I could completely release and have no concern what came out. With my partner sitting on a bucket in front of me on the toilet, I pushed. For about 20 minutes, I used all my strength to feel my baby moving down to his opening to the world.
When my partner alerted me that the baby’s head was fully crowning, I got off the toilet and laid on the bathroom floor so that I could pant to avoid tearing my perineum with this incredible force. I looked down between my legs and saw my sweet babies head for the first time!!!! How insanely surreal!!!!!
I felt my body trying to push baby out, but the traction didn’t feel right. I flipped over onto hands and knees with this head between my legs. I stood up and gave it one more gentle push. I yelled to my partner to “Catch him!!!”, and he did. He put the baby between my legs and onto a towel on the floor.
The first thing I noticed was a little yoni!!! “Oh my gosh! It’s a girl!!” Of course it’s a girl. It only makes sense. I scooped up my little angel, in pure awe and disbelief. She comes out pink and sleeping and I know her name. Tulsi.
My partner jumps up to check the time. 7:39 am, Monday, November 9th. I notice the sun has just risen. We move to the bed, still connected by the cord, and lay in the bliss of our new constellation as we prepare for the breast crawl.
Less than an hour later, I move back to the toilet to release our placenta. 5 hours after her emergence, the midwife arrives to offer sweet support and lovely words.
What an incredible thing women do. This initiation is so deep and wild, and yet some woman, somewhere, has to go through it for every single human being to come into this world. The disbelief in this magic will never cease in my being!!!
Connect with Madeline, she’s now living in Sandpoint, Idaho serving women in their sacred postpartum time:
I am a mother amazed by mothers. My training and offerings are primarily rooted in the wisdom of Ayurvedic medicine and I spend my days gardening and growing with my daughter. My intentions are to foster sovereignty and support natural thriving.
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